Thursday, October 23, 2008

Getting Old

I get on and off the trains without looking or listening, somehow reaching my destination, waddling with the morning penguins.

I try to stop myself from drinking enough coffee to make my stomach hurt, but it's a nice way to get my mind off my mind.

It's time for a change of scenery.

I can hear the difference in his voice. It's striking, and I droop a little. I'm too empathetic. I'm more empathetic with his depression than my own. I offer suggestions, trying not to sound like an authority. It sounds something like how it goes in my head. I love when I try to fix other people to avoid fixing myself.

But I'm not even interested anymore. Everything grows old, threatening to take me with it.

This vibrating in my chest is becoming bothersome, nearly a shutter. Soon I'll vibrate myself right out of this town, and into a new scenario to become old. But really, I'm the one that's getting old, and I take everything with me.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Kimchi and Wine

I let the fermented cabbage and grapes dance together in my stomach. I set my glass on the mini Native American carpet and think, that could have been our life together -- meaningful coasters on carefully selected side tables. We would have been good at it, too -- your minimalism combined with my initiative.

But you're doing that with someone else now, and I stopped caring about aesthetics.

You never liked my spontaneity. I just annoyed you when I got hyper and wanted to feast on the world. I'd bounce around you on the bed as you tried to concentrate and block me out. Eventually, you'd look into my grin and sigh, and I'd let my head drop.

You read four or five books at the same time and kept several journals, or whatever they were. You never told me your thoughts. You'd much rather write them down, or read someone else's version of them. I'd watch you scribble away, wondering what you were writing, wondering if you'd ever ask me what I thought.

I remember how lonely I was when I was with you. Funny how I feel less lonely now that I'm alone. Except for your hands. I remember your hands.

Why can't I cover my face when I want to? Why is it so hard to stay hidden? You didn't understand why I'd stretch your wide hand over my whole face, but you let me do it. And you let me hold it there as long as I wanted.

That's why I miss you.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Love Potion #9

Men:
3 parts confidence, 1 part vulnerability

Women:
2 parts timidity, 1 part sexy, with a dash of indifference

Mix well, and let stand.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Thoughts in my head like fucking Le Loup...

I don't feel hollow, though I feel the absence of my stomach, my mind, my heart...

What was I when I was fourteen? A child. But I got it better back then.  I hated myself, but I think I loved myself more than I do now.

It was when friendship meant life. Parents meant love and hatred. Everything was intense. And you were barely distinguishable from your environment.

Now everything is isolating. Isolation. -- No one gets me. I'm all alone. The world is strange and cold. I can't find the warmth and safety. Et cetera, et cetera.

Maybe things haven't changed after all. They just have more consequences now.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

In Love

The sky has been layered lately,
rippled.
How intuitive of it.

But it cannot convey the simultaneous stillness
and tumult inside me.
I am erratic and confused
as I sit,
arms holding legs
holding chest,
and wait.

Wait.

What am I waiting for? I can't
remember what I wanted.
Did I want something?
Music, The Microphones, emotion?

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

But wait,
wait.

What used to be
an irritated geyser
becomes soft gurgling curls.
I'm tired.

I'm so tired.

I don't want to give up, but
it's slow and I'm fast.
It's fast and I'm slow.

Something,
I feel something,
intensely.

Nothing,
I find nothing,
consistently.

I hate you, god love you.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Reason #1

I think we should be together because your mouth is wet and mine is dry.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Awoken by a dream at 8:30am

They enter the city by gliding the boat ashore, using the momentum they had gained from the water.  As they skid to a stop, they take in the city.  They find it strange how much it resembles there home, though it's so different.

The mother turns from the steering wheel and looks down into the hull.  There's her baby boy, lying in their waste.  How did they create so much garbage?  It fills the entire boat.  Maybe the boy shouldn't be lying in it, but he can't be moved.  He's too weak, and she needs a plan.  Her husband is out there, right now, trying to find sustenance for them.  She could wait for him, or she could go herself.  She looks at her daughter, at the cheekbones jutting though her matted blonde hair.  Yes, she would go herself.

As the mother and daughter walk toward the town,  they look for signs of life along the road.  The girl can barely walk, she's so weak, and the hunger seems to have started in on her brain.  The mother takes her hand and half-drags her.  The walk seems never-ending along the life-less expanse.  The mother is not much stronger than the child, she just has more will-power.  She can convince her body that it's stronger than it really is.

They reach the town, and the contrast of its prosperity against their hunger seems absurd.  There must be food for them somewhere here.  The mother feels the bundle of bills in her pocket and sighs at their uselessness.  They wonder through the streets and find wide smiles and laughter, but no food.  They find people rejoicing, oblivious.  How can there be such happiness, the mother wonders, while we are in such hell?  Soon she loses hope, and her strength is nearly spent.  So, she lets her body wonder back toward the boat that holds her son, daughter in tow.

As they leave the town, the two notice a pasture on the left, with a low wooden fence around it.  They certainly didn't see this on the way in.  They stop to get a look and see with their squinting eyes animals grazing.  Life!  The daughter tugs at her mothers skirt, pointing out the eggs lining the fence.  She picks one up with one little hand, sticking the other one in her shirt.  She pulls out a small white egg to compare to the one from the ground.  The white egg looks plain and fragile next to the sparkling, jeweled egg from the fence, but it hadn't broke all this time.  The girl looks up at her mother, and they both smile.  Perhaps there is hope for them after all!

The two turn from the fence with confidence and head toward the boy they'd left behind.  A figure appears on the left of their path.  The mother turns to see a chocolate colored young man with European features in a chocolate robe, holding a scythe.  She swings around and circles her arms around the chest of her bony child.  The man rolls his eyes at her futile gesture and holds his arms out to them.  The girl's feet lift into the air as the mother screams is despair.  He pulls her little soul out through her little feet, leaving her lifeless body to fall to the ground.  Her mother sobs over the little body, as Death turns toward the boat.  "No!" the mother screams.  "Don't take my son, too!"

Death stops and turns to her with a laugh.  "You're son?  He's been dead for days."